This is how I will win your heart

by telling you this.

I was at work and I was miserable as customers made a mess. I was in charge of the footwear department that day, which meant that I had to pick up dirty shoes off the floor as people threw them back on the ground. As each long hour passed I hated their happy faces which seemed to show how looking for a shoe can make the world better. Inevitably, I resented the smiles that accompanied the requests they required from me. My frustration only exacerbated, for while I was covered with dust and grime as I wiped my brow with my dirty hands, I thought of someone I loved who loved somebody else.

I thought I was cursed and my existence tasted bitter. I was lost in a world without love, just because I loved someone who didn't love me.

And it was one of the many moments in my life when I said to myself this is hell: for no other reason that I didn't get what I want--and I did a pretty good job of convincing myself that she was what I wanted. As if she was the only person I wanted.

I finished my shift, but I wasn't finished feeling sorry myself. I had the self-righteous convinction that I was entitled to her love. Her love was supposed to be mine and I felt cheated that someone else had claim to it.

But when I stepped outside that evening, as the sun beamed down on the world, reflecting on the hard and heated pavement, I said to myself how it would be good to go for a walk with someone.

For no other reason than accidental proximity (i.e., you lived a few blocks away), I called you and asked if you wanted to go outside to smoke a cigarette.

You said yes. So I came to your house and picked you up and we sat outside on nearby bench and we talked.

When the sun went down as the darkness crept in, creating dark blue shadows on the trees surrounding the bench we sat on, your face illuminated as you laughed and I thought this isn't so bad.

This is wonderful. So what if the other girl loved someone else? Good for her.

In that moment, I felt there was something filling the gap, as water was poured in a cup I thought was empty. Overwhelmed by that irrational substance some people call fate and some cynics dismiss as accidental, but whether the moment was destiny or accident: I felt lucky.

In that moment, I doubted if there was truly loss in this world: for any loss I could've endure by prolonging that moment when I thought I was blessed when you smiled.

Too bad, that this moment can be only this and never that, for I can never say this to you in person.